Resumes and how to Fix Them

I am so tired of having to correct people's bad resumes. I mean honestly, how hard is it to present yourself proffessionally? Since I am now becoming to the age where you have to have a resume, I have researched how to do a good one. This is what my findings tell me:
Quick Key: the red is bad, the blue is an explanation, and the green is what I would change it to. All Hypothetical, so please don't try to contact the addresses.

crazy4catz@aol.comThis email address is bad because it is unprofessional and may turn off employers. A better email address would be carl.hoffer@aol.com

OBJECTIVE: To find a gig.This is a bad objective because it is self-focused, generic, and it does not tell the employer your skills or the kind of job you are seeking. Also, it is not professional. A better objective would be:

OBJECTIVE: To apply the knowledge acquired through a bachelor’s degree in Marketing and Communications and two summer internships at a public relations agency to an entry-level position on the marketing or PR team of a major financial institution.

Summary of Qualifications: My last client called me a god. This is bad because it tells nothing of qualifications and it doesn’t show how this skill will help the company, though it definitely sets the applicant apart. Also, it is questionable why the applicant was called “a god” and too short to be called a summary.  A better summary of qualifications would be:

Summary of Qualifications: Accomplished loan and credit underwriter with nine years’ experience in commercial and retail banking and a proven record of profitable lending transactions. Adept at combining in-depth knowledge of industry practices and legal requirements with analytical expertise, strategic negotiation, and skillful relationship building to secure new and repeat business. Earned top underwriter or runner-up status in Northeast region for past four years.

Work Experience: Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.This is a REALLY bad work experience as it tells nothing of your work experience and probably offended the person who is looking at your resume. A better work experience listing would be:
Senior Commercial Loan Underwriter
September 2005 to Present
Money Trust, St. Louis, MO

• Processed $10 billion in commercial construction loan applications for the top commercial lender in Eastern Missouri
• Managed a team of five junior underwriters who exceeded departmental goals consistently for past six months
• Facilitated professional training on loan research methods to shorten learning curve for new hires
• Applied professional team-building skills to development of successful company softball team, resulting in higher corporate visibility in local community and enhanced employee morale

Education: While I've never quite gotten a degree, I am quite close to several. This is a bad education section as it doesn’t show your strengths, doesn’t tell where you went, and makes you seem very wishy-washy. A better education section would be:

University of Boston, 1998
Boston, MA
Bachelor of Science, Finance

References: References available upon request. This is a bad reference section as it all it tells the employer is that you have references and makes the employment process much longer. Also, it makes the employer work harder than he will want to, lowering the likeliness that you will be hired. A better reference section would be:

John Smith

123 Cress St.

Janesville, WI 53785

Cell phone: 13456788989                                  

Sincerely Sydney