Hatred.

I have few things that I legitimately hate. I am a shades of gray kind of person. I strive to find reasoning behind every decision, even if I don’t think it is the right one. If I can find some reasoning that seems at least logical, I will consider it a shade of gray and maybe just put it in the dislike pile of my mind.  But if something I don’t agree with doesn’t have any apparent reasoning behind it and none is offered to me, I can’t help but hate it. I know hatred is not a good look on anyone, but sometimes it is a very apparent look on me. My eyes begin to water and I tend to cry out of pure frustration: a demeaning look for me but what else is there to do? My fists clench. My teeth clench. My muscles tense up. It is a frustration that is only attainable through total and utter failure, which is a feeling I have felt relatively few times since I can usually scavenge one positive out of a total crash and burn. Hopelessness emboldens me to make one last ditch effort to get my point across and try to find a way to get a simple reasoning so I can avoid this hatred feeling. And when I don’t get it I end up blogging about it to the internet and angrily texting the people who love me. Facebook calls to me to put up a post about how so and so is so dumb and should be marked as a traitor to civilization. Of course I formulate a few potentials and maybe even post them. I always follow through and delete them though, since such a matter is far too personal for Facebook.  However, I still feel a steady beat of my heart wishing someone could at least say that they know I am right and know how to show the others their folly. But unfortunately, it seems like that just isn’t going to be the case tonight.

The worst part about this all is when you hate something that someone you love needs, adores even.  It is hard not to take it out on the person you love and in the end it really compromises your relationship with them. You try to be strong for them, and tell them that it is all going to be ok, that you can reason that something you hate and everything will work out for the best. But some people are just too strong willed for all that hubbub, and you can’t help but feel lost and like you will never win.  I wish I had something happy to say about all this. That somehow I will be able to accept somebody’s decision that has no real reasoning behind it. But I know that that will most likely never be the case.

Yes. For certain, the worst part of loving someone is when you truly, without a doubt, hate something they need.

Sincerely Sydney